- I dislike camping with a passion. It’s like being buried in a soggy flaccid plastic coffin, akin to the ancient Egyptians in that we’re surrounded by our worldly possessions. Yet instead of precious riches and scantily-clad- but-confused concubines, we’re crammed into these drooping dungeons with the worst versions of our favourite things; laying in an itchy sleeping bag trying to eat cold canned food with flimsy cutlery whilst someone fumbles their way around Travel Monopoly. I prefer cremation. Of tents.
- People turn the volume up when I sing. So do I.
- It’s not my responsibility to carry your favourite AND back-up brand of cigarettes, so don’t question my equestrian philanthropy. Though I will totally shove fire in your face of you ask nicely.
- I’m not gay. I just play really, really hard to get.
- Seizures rarely resemble dance moves, but dancing can oftentimes seem like an epileptic fit. I apologise for the misunderstanding.
- I love when people inform me I don't have much of an accent & then start developing a new one of their own as if by magic. My only super power, apparently.
- I can't tell the difference between a 6yr old and a 12yr old, so pardon me if I say naughty words in front of your excuse for wearing a sweat-suit all the time.
- I've always thought that the use of the Glass Half Full/Empty analogy as a philosophical 'tell' is a bit amateur. If it was filled then drank? Half empty. If it was empty then filled? Half full. The better way to judge a persons character would be to find out what they do when you steal half their beer.
- "...I am his twin brother, and I am also 15..." is the line that finally convinced me turn off the TV during my breaks.
- I'm going to make a killing when I launch my new cable tv channel; "All Gardeners, All The Time", for the elderly folk who aren't fortunate enough to live somewhere they can stare out their window for hours at whatever menial task I'm performing.
- Your precious little snowflake just tried to throw itself under my car. I’ve heard great things about those Invisible Fences. And condoms.
...okay, I'm done. Thanks for letting me vent.